Jokers Wild
by e.b woodhouse
Summary: The Joker tricks himself... into love!


Dastardly criminal mastermind, the joker, dressed to the nines in a sequined red dress, dick and balls duct tapped into the folds of his flabby lower abdomen, sashayed about Wayne manor one dark and blizzardy night. Batman told the man he thought was an albino hooker named surprise to wait while he slipped into something a little more comfortable. He returned dressed in a bussines suit and out of his cape and mask ten minutes later to find suprise who was actually the joker in drag with his dick taped to his underbelly watching the fire well into her but really his third glass of scotch. "That's not whore's scotch," bruce said, but what he was really thinking was how great it was that Surprise hadn't noticed he was batman because it was so dark and shadowy earlier, also he had disguised his voice. "Whore's drink tap water."  
Surprise poured a hot cup of tap water onto bruce's cock, "oops""she" said "better fuck me hard and right all night until your pants dry and you can go around with dry pants then"  
she was right. batman knew he must proceed, but with caution, there was no other way. he started to pull out his penis when he heard a shout from the closet, it was alfred. "don't do it batman" he said.  
"but there's no other way!" he cried utterly torn apart at his quavering fundament, he didnt want to have relations with a prostitute but at the same time if he didnt distract surprise quickly then she'd not forget about alfred calling him batman, "now i have to do it, damn you mother!"  
alfred rushed from the closet and hugged bruce, "i forgot notto call you batman in front of people," he cried.  
batman rose to face his destiny. "all right you stupid bitch, you win." surprise sucked batmans rigid shaft furiously whipping her head back and forth sending her long blonde hair flipping back and forth slapping her sagging pale ass then flying into batmans face on the far end of its arc, a passage of delicate intricity, each hair folicle, sourced from a goat, in an awe inspiring dance of gravity and motion. each time she slammed her face into batmans pelvis her sharp cheek bones raised a bruise and she gagged on his pecker and eventually threw up which felt warm and gooey at first but it soon dried leaving a sharp brittle carapace of puke around batmans stubby little penis., "how about you go ahead and fuck me" surprise said, dripping with passion.  
"oh yeah, here i go," batman said, consumed with passion, totally in the heat of the moment. "but wait you can't i'm on my period oh no."  
batman fell to his knees. "well that;s just great! quick, alfred, how long does the female menstric period last!"  
"oh, mommas stupid, stupid, babe," alfred said, from the other end of the bed where he'd been getting robin to teach xir how to skype. "once a woman has her period it never ends, her life is never the same and misery falls upon her ancestry."  
"not so fast!" catwoman jumped out from behind a dumpster, "everyone knows only lesbians get periods, do her in the butt so you dont get her lesbian aids"  
"okay, here you go. how about that." batman said as he slipped it to his secret nemesis.  
and then guess what the penguin was there.  
"a lack of a laugh track doesn't automatically make something funny," catwoman screeched then ran uponst the penguin with claws asunder.  
the penguin withdrew his magnificent mangling mortar from the refridgerator box sized suitcase on wheels from which his criminal name was derivethd and slew catwoman. then the supports gave way. as the penguin and all his henchpeople fell into the center of the blazing earth batman finished working up a really great plan.. "ROBIN" he yelled, "go find out about menstration, study diligently, dance your way down the red carpet and report back what arkane sekrets you divine, alfred, go dust the pantry, i'll deal with surprise." then he came.  
"wow" said surprise.  
"yeah:" batman.  
"tell me. what are you scert of most? in the whole wide world," surprise's eyes shown with query, she was so beautiful.  
"gee." said batman. "you know what, i guess i'm scert most of just plain ol' surprises, which is so great, because, surprise, after living so rigid and cloistered a life i'm surprised to say that this surprise, the surprise of being tricked into laying with a lady of ill repute, has been the best surprise of my life and before now i didn't want anything bad to happen" he begun to shake ever so and surprise, no the joker, the joker reminded himself, the joker, prentending to be surprise, albino prostitute, couldnt help but reach out a comfortingf hand, which had, surprise surprise, begun to quiver as well, overrun with boundless leaping passion and caring, still, tears of valiant fervency shining in his eyes, bruce wayne continued, :"but now i know, the good comes with the bad, just like we did, because like how i'm a goodguy and you/re probobly on crack or like stupid or still bad y'know cus you fuck people for money, but we came together, didn't we?"  
:the following segment occurs solely in the imagination of the joker:  
"haha, that's where you are wrong." the joker cried, laying still as fresh cut timber.  
not even "her" eyes moved behind their delicate sensual and closed lids.  
batman wanted to know what ""she"::: meant "i;ll tell you," said the joker adn pulled off the duct tape from his wrinkly jiggly uppercrotch fat. "her" dick sprung forth, in its horizontal trajectory it flung already crusting jizzom all over the place on the ceiling a little bit and the wall also batmans sixpack and mostly his shins and the bedpost with a little spattering the floor.  
"but this means" said alfred.  
"that;s right i;ve bamboozled the caped crusader, for the last time," that's when the jokers special bomb detonated and killed every living thing on earth but him."

but.

just then, when batman shared so probing and poignant an anecdote the joker was overcome with not so much a bloodlust as a heartlust. he realiazed then, finaly, maybe, probobly too late that the source of his frustations wasn't the focus of his whimsical rages but the underlying inspiration, the muse even. and geez, just how had he gone and squandered such inspirations, he'd went ahead and messed everything up and been a rea`l jerk in the process. but maybe it wasn;t too late. and maybe yet, ... maybe yet...

a few months later;

standing atop the worlds largest water slide the joker, or was he surprise now, he didn't really know. or did she not know or "he" or whoever have you finally had a response for the last thing bruce wayne said, the night bruce thought they had met and where the joker had met surprise. for surprise had been really and utterly ttruely a surprise for him, most of all. turns out he wants to be a pretty lady who/s always on the rag and in rampant love with bruce wayne. "s"he'd held his tounge for so long it was awkward speaking in the human tounge after going so long without and only ever occasionally squaking or grunting a crude animalist facismle of communication. "i'm finally ready to tell you." surprise uttered, hesitating on the precipice, sparkling water running passionately ever onward past the ankles of two so in love that maybe just then through a source or founnt of cosmic right-ness not only joined in wetness and liquidy solution but the irrevocable bonds of transcendent loving their ankles. batman had been waiting for this. he didnt work at being a detective all the time to not know when something was in the works. and this something was a big one he could tell it. too many years on the street. his senses sharpened to their climax, sensing forver the icy propenderance of doom and seldom the warm carresses of a loving convergence. he inched one foot forward, the skin on plastic screech seemed to index time iteself, severing all of creation from then and beyond. "what did you want to tell me"  
"the thing i'm scert of most," and now it was surprise talking, once and for all, "is moving forward."  
and they plunged. 


End file.
